The 5 Stages Of Nail Regret, A Serious Condition Affecting Manicures Everywhere

This year one in five betches will be afflicted with Nail Regret. Itll happen when they least expect it: before a wedding, on the way to a first date, after an especially good paycheck. Theyll look down at the manicure they just spent 12 whole wine bottle buying dollars on and think to themselves: WTF I asked for peach not fucking PUMPKIN. Tragic.


For those of you who arent aware, Nail Regret is the term used for when a betch fucks up regrets her nail color after a manicure. Emotionally, this ranks right up there with trying to respond to a fuckboys text message and coming to terms with the fact that cookie dough will give you salmonella. It can be hard to accept that its not Sasha your nail technicians fault and that actually pastels just arent in your color wheel. But the first step towards acceptance is admitting youre in the wrongLOL, psych. As if.

I would rather stab myself in the eye with a blunt fork then say youre right to Sasha about not being able to pull off orange PEACH. And because Im assuming you, like me, would rather cause yourself bodily harm than admit youre wrong, Ive gone ahead and listed 5 stages in which to deal with your regret:

1. Shock/Denial

You know the moment it happens, usually around the time that Sasha is just finishing up the second coat of color and working on the top coat, and youre just like . Suddenly the fun, chic color you were going to premier at your sisters wedding to show her that you are 1000% okay with her getting married before you looks less fun and chic and more orange. Fuck.

2. Bartering/Anger

Once the shock has worn off youll do the logical thing and start making deals with the powers that be. Like,

Then comes the rage blackouts anger.Tbh I cant be held accountable for what I do when my nails look like shit. My first instinct when Im feeling insecure is to ruin lives (or so my therapist says) and if the FIRE in the RBF I’m sending to Sasha isnt enough of a warning not to test me rn then she cannot be helped. Just wait until you read my Yelp review, bitch.

3. Guilt

Here is where you start saying crazy shit like, maybe you shouldnt have made a scene with Sasha back there about how she sabotaged you with a fugly nail color. Also, maybe you shouldnt have actually slept with the hobbit from that Tinder date. Wait, holy shit is this why you cant have nice things?!

4. Depression

We all handle this stage differently. Some people would make a mental note of their mistake and work to correct it in the future. I am not friends with those people. Id say the below image is a good representation of how I handle all my problems ranging from my ex-boyfriend just sent me a U up? text to, say, trying out the color orange for the first time as a gel manicure:

^^ Actual footage of me handling my problems.

5. Acceptance

It can be hard to admit youre wrong so I’d recommend that you dont. Instead spend the next two weeks internally screaming at yourself until eventually the nail polish starts to chip your anger starts to fade. Healthy, right?

So there you have it. Do these stages resemble the 5 stages of grief as determined by the Kbler-Ross model? Yes. But does regretting your nail color slightly resemble the loss of a family member close friend girl you met in line for the bathroom? Its really a close call.


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